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Road Story: Bring out the Septic Tanks!!

2007-07-20T16:13:00.000-07:00

“I like fireworks therefore I like Tennessee, since it’s the only state that has more 24 hour firework warehouses than gas stations. If your in TN and want a Roman Candle at 3AM, that’s available, any exit off Interstate-75.”

Not the most brilliant premise but it is accurate, anyway after my comedy show in Bristol, TN, some guys came up to me and said. “Hey man if you like fireworks you should hang with us, because we make our own.” and the guy said this to me, not in a bragging way, but kinda quietly, like you would if you were going to let someone in on some CIA secrets.

So I was interested but scared, I just picture four red-necks taking Government issued septic tanks, filling them with gasoline and using old Rusty Wallace t-shirts as wicks.

I declined the invite but I asked the guy, ‘Why do you make your own?’ and he responded ‘because I'm Patriotic and I hate Kentucky!’

Now I was going to correct the fella,let him know Kentucky was as much part of the U.S. as Tennessee, but seeing that he makes his own rules when it comes to chemistry, I decided he can do the same in regards to geography. So I ended the conversation by jokingly saying ‘Yeah, I hate communists too!’ but he didn't laugh, he just nodded in agreement.

V.I.P.

2007-07-01T12:57:00.000-07:00

Never understood V.I.P. sections at nightclubs, suppose to be for important people, but it never is, it’s just whoever spends the most time and money at the bar, and anyone getting wasted til 4 AM 5x’s a week, shouldn’t be encouraged and called ‘important’.

Call it what it is, “That section? It’s reserved for dueche bags that piss away trust funds with their chemical dependencies, and for the lady that has implants the size of volleyballs and every man wants to give her a hug...except her dad.”

Hooters Billboard

2007-07-01T12:54:00.001-07:00

Not sure if you’ve seen these billboards on the highways, but they annoy the hell out of me, “Hooters: Where everyone gets to hang w/ a Cheerleader!” Hey awesome, thanks for implying that without your restaurants losers like me, and every other guy in America would never get the chance to hang out with hot chicks.

Thanks Hooters, because people love it when ad campaigns point out how pathetic their lives are, think others should follow your lead.

Kraft Macaroni and Cheese: “Because your living dollar to dollar, and hell you gotta eat something.”

Verizon Wireless: “We got towers everywhere, so when she says she’s going to call and the phones not ringing, blame your personality.”

Bic Razors: “Because hell you were thinking of cutting yourself anyways..”

Road Story: Recruited to beat my own ass

2007-06-24T16:21:00.000-07:00

This was a gig was a casino gig in Walker, Minnesota. I was actually on the casino floor, a side stage ten feet away from penny slot machines, next to the only bar, so all the makings of a great comedy obstacle course, perfect!. Anyway all is cool until I mention that I'm from Ohio, then this drunk dude at the bar gets all fired up and runs to the stage area and starts yelling "Bullshit! It's all bullshit!, this guy's not from Walker!! Bullshit, coming into our town and taking our jobs!!"

His outburst lasts a minute and security comes and escorts him away, I make jokes about it whatever. Flash forward an hour later I go back to the bar to get paid and the only one sitting there is that obnoxious drunk dude that accused me of taking his job, and he starts a conversation with me. I'm thinking he is going to apologize, but I am wrong, guy doesn't even recognize me, he just assumes that I'm some local just hanging out. He starts telling me how he is sick of people coming into Walker and taking jobs away from us. He then says to me that he plans on teaching the comedian a lesson, and says that he and I should go find me, so that we can go beat the comedian's ass..

Overall a very strange moment, I had never before been recruited to beat my own ass, and oh by the way he also showed the switchblade that he keeps in his sock.

I leave this dude, figure I'll get away from him before he recognizes me, and when the bar manager gives me my money I informed her of the situation. She tells me not to worry because there is security everywhere, and she says this as she points to the security cameras, which wasn't very reassuring. It just meant that if dude stabs me, they'll film it, and confirm that it happened I guess.

Then just moments later I see five cops dragging this dude out, and I'm thinking 'holy shit' the bar manager, got right on the situation. Turns out no, the drunk dude ended up throwing a cup of ice at a 24-hour food clerk, and when he when security got him he had outstanding warrants.

Turns out the food clerk was from Fargo, ND two hours away from Walker. Damn she was asking for it.

To my first Girlfriend, let's trade your explanation, for my manhood

2007-06-24T16:18:00.000-07:00

High School Sweetheart, I had one, Katherine from Westlake, OH, and not such a romantic ending. After a couple months of dating, I got the hard core blow off. No note, no phone calls, nothing! Anyway fast forward ten years, she recognizes my name, and comes out to a comedy show to say 'Hi'. So suppressing my bitterness, and a couple beers later, I have to ask, "Lady, what happened back in the day?"

Well it turns out that on our last date, I took her back to my parents' house, no one was home, and I spent the next four hours showing her my baseball card collection. Yeah, there she was ready for some dry humping, some sloppy hickey exchanges, and some Color Me Bad background music, and I'm showing her Cal Ripken rookie cards.

Then I broke out the Star Wars toy collection, the Millennium Falcon, never got Han Solo laid, not sure why I thought it would work for me? Then to complete the evening I broke out a price guide just to hammer home how much my empire of anti-vagina collectibles were actually worth.

The truth is I forgot that I did do all those things, and I didn't really need that trip down memory lane to emphasize exactly how lame I'm capable of being. The lesson here is simple, if you want to eliminate teen pregnancy don't give boys condemns, just hand him some Michael Jordan basketball cards.

Ronnie Lott: Leaving all on the playing field

2007-06-24T16:14:00.000-07:00

In 1985 Ronnie Lott did not want to sit out a football game, so he had the team doctor amputate his finger. That is tough! Tougher than me anyways because I played sports and would quit games just because I ate too much pizza.

But who was that team doctor going around chopping off body parts? I just assume he was a medic recruited from a battlefield in Colonial Williamsburg.

"Doc I pulled my groin."

Well then you take this bottle of whiskey, and I'll go sharpen the saw....and here's a towel to bite down on, because your gonna make some noises and we don't wanna startle the women-folk.."

'Leave it all on the playing field' is a figure of speech to some, and apparently a mission statement to others.

Road Story: Is Greg Allman Still Alive?

2007-06-24T16:07:00.000-07:00

November 2003, Roswell, GA, working the Funny Farm, I noticed an autographed picture of Greg Allman behind the desk at the Sheraton. Anyways, I've always been an Allman Brothers fan, so I asked about the photo, and learned that he was a guest a few months earlier, but the staff was still pissed off because apparently he trashed his room.

Now I thought that was damn right awesome! Considering Greg Allman is already a legend, part of the greatest live band in rock history, he's had drug problems, and Cher in her prime. Forty years of rocking out and he still party's like a 22 year-old bass player in a garage band! Kick Ass!!

And the coolest thing about it is he's a 60 year old dude, so you know he doesn't want to trash things, but he realizes his obligation to keep his reputation intact.

I just picture a crotchety old man, watching Mike Wallace, not wanting to move, but thinking.."Ah...Hell, them curtains ain't gonna burn themselves.." Loading up on blood thinning pills to avoid cardiac arrest while flipping over his king size bed, or smashing a television.

Truth is I'm not sure what he did in that hotel room, it could've just been an old man who had a bowel movement that couldn't make it to the can. Or he could just have daily melt downs realizing he is the only original member of his band that is not dead yet. Don't know, don't care. As far as I'm concerned the story will always include Greg Allman, Jack Daniels, and some lighter fluid. Rock on Greg Allman!!

Johnny Appleseed

2007-06-24T16:02:00.000-07:00

I think we all try to be good people, thats why its not cool to over credit someone for their good deeds, like Johnny Appleseed.

Breakdown his life, Johnny was a loitering vagrant who took his name as some wierd personal challenge. Well, in Ohio apperntly that behavior makes you a 'Folk Hero'.

My problem is the, same people that celebrate Appleseed with festivals, are the same people that if he exsisted today, they'd be the first to complain to the cops. "Hello, there's a homeless dude digging holes in my lawn?......Yes he is wearing a tin pot on his head.."
"Johnny slept in my driveway, I drove an SUV, and that's the legend of Johnny Applesauce"

Hypochondria & Cell Phones

2007-06-24T09:23:00.000-07:00

I developed hypochondria at age eight. During a family vacation to Niagra Falls, we went to the Ripleys Believe It Or Not wax museum. One of the displays were of kids that have the disease Progeria, which is some rare disease where they age seven years every birthday, so even though the kid is the size of an eight year old, he looks like hes fifty. It was intense and traumatic and I was convinced I had the disease.

Forget that it was rare and that only one in every ten million people are inflicted....hence the reason why it was in the Ripleys Believe It Or Not museum, rationalizing logic doesnt apply when your eight. After all I believed in flying reindeers, being inflicted with an illness that actually exists not that far fetched.

Anyway, knowing that I was sensitive on the subject, my older sister put baby powder in my hair while I slept. Then when I woke up she acted all distraught as she brought me in front of the mirror, and pointed out my head full of gray hairs.

I was horrified! And as I ran my fingers through my powder was coming off my head! I figured it was a sign of aging. Old people have dusty heads, I dont know, I was dying and that sucked!! Anyways after a couple hours of constant crying my sister let me off the hook. Looking back on it couple hours? kinda excessive?

And because of this experience I have a hypochondria of brain cancer, and thats why I wear an earpiece when Im on the cell phone.

Censorship

2007-06-24T08:53:00.000-07:00

Some people believe Censorship in America is needed to protect the children, but break it down logically it makes no sense. The argument for censorship is that “kids are ‘impressionable’ and they watch television, they see violence!” All right they also watch television and see Vin Diesel, Jennifer Gardner, people with incredible physiques, yet American youth ‘obesity rate’ has never been higher; yeah, I don’t think these kids are quite as impressionable as we’re led to believe...
If you want to take something off television for there safety, start with a Bacon Double Cheeseburger commercial...."Wanna buy ice cream? That’s a two week waiting period Junior."
“But when kids fight they use Guns!?!” Well, that’s because they’re to lethargic to use fists...
Besides Children’s Fairytales are horrible stories!! Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, there all the same, where some young hot chick, for whatever reason ends up unconscious...and the only way to save the day is when some ‘dude’ she doesn’t know kisses her on the mouth...

Yeah that story happens in real life, than it ends a court of law... “Your Honor I know that I do not know that woman, but she was unconscious and I was trying to help!!”
You know like the movies, kiss her on the mouth, music starts playing, animals are dancing...” Well none of that shit happened, so I panicked and got scared...so I really tried to wake her up.”

Peer Pressure: Winners Treat, Losers Eat

2007-06-24T08:48:00.000-07:00

My cousin attended an assembly at his middle school entitled “Peer Pressure: Always Say No!” and I was bothered by that title because if peer pressure is doing something you truly don’t want to do, but you do it anyways so that other people will approve of you, than peer pressure rarely results in negative behavior... Sure it’s sad when kids get sick drinking a bottle of stale whiskey that was dwelling on the bottom shelf of grandpap’s liquor cabinet since 1967, and it’s even more pathetic when a teenage-boy uses the suction of an empty Pepsi bottle on the side of his neck to self-inflict a hickey.

However always saying ‘No!’ would lead to a self-indulging elitist attitude, thus leading to a stubborn ‘against the grain at all costs’ personality, and that would fester into to a life of serial killing or extreme fundamentalism. Either way serial killers and fundamentalists are both lame dates at the Jr/Sr Homecoming Dance.

I’m just saying anyone who spends a semester pledging a fraternity knows how to loosen up and not take themselves too seriously. After spending a couple nights crawling around blind-folded with an olive wedged in your ass cheeks, one becomes very humbled......and it’s even more humbling when your team keeps losing the races. “WINNERS TREAT, LOSERS EAT!!”

Truth is in life peer pressure is the fabric of harmonious society. It’s a dude working two jobs to make a child support payment....It’s shoveling a sidewalk.....It’s a flush and wash... It’s putting medication on a cold sore. So welcome peer pressure, loosen up, and lose the pants, and enjoy the races!! Trust your judgement to know when to draw the line, because in the end, nobody is really expected to eat the olive.

Let the Plants Die

2007-06-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

October is here and people often say that this is the most beautiful time of the year because the leaves are changing colors. But leaves change colors because they are dying!

Leaves are the only living organisms that get more and more attractive the closer they get to death. Therefore they are most attractive at the moment of death...that would suck if that applied to us as humans. Well, it would be cool only when a really ‘hot’ chicks blows you off at a Nightclub. You’d just say “Aaaaghh....Who cares? By tomorrow afternoon, that bitch will be dead anyway.”

But I digress, I guess mocking the lives of plants is what you do when you reach the top of the food chain. I guess that’s why when we visit patients in the hospital we hand them flowers. It’s just our way of saying “Hey Buddy, at the very least.....you’ve outlived these plants.”

ps...this is my first journal entry, and for the record my humor is not dark or edgy, in this entry I was just trying to write the world’s “cutest joke about the death of plants”

VIP

2007-06-03T21:13:00.000-07:00