Hooters Billboard

Not sure if you’ve seen these billboards on the highways, but they annoy the hell out of me, “Hooters: Where everyone gets to hang w/ a Cheerleader!” Hey awesome, thanks for implying that without your restaurants losers like me, and every other guy in America would never get the chance to hang out with hot chicks.

Thanks Hooters, because people love it when ad campaigns point out how pathetic their lives are, think others should follow your lead.

Kraft Macaroni and Cheese: “Because your living dollar to dollar, and hell you gotta eat something.”

Verizon Wireless: “We got towers everywhere, so when she says she’s going to call and the phones not ringing, blame your personality.”

Bic Razors: “Because hell you were thinking of cutting yourself anyways..”

Johnny Appleseed

I think we all try to be good people, thats why its not cool to over credit someone for their good deeds, like Johnny Appleseed.

Breakdown his life, Johnny was a loitering vagrant who took his name as some wierd personal challenge. Well, in Ohio apperntly  that behavior makes you a 'Folk Hero'.

My problem is the, same people that celebrate Appleseed with festivals, are the same people that if he exsisted today, they'd be the first to complain to the cops. "Hello, there's a homeless dude digging holes in my lawn?......Yes he is wearing a tin pot on his head.."
"Johnny slept in my driveway, I drove an SUV, and that's the legend of Johnny Applesauce"

Hypochondria & Cell Phones

I developed hypochondria at age eight. During a family vacation to Niagra Falls, we went to the Ripleys Believe It Or Not wax museum. One of the displays were of kids that have the disease Progeria, which is some rare disease where they age seven years every birthday, so even though the kid is the size of an eight year old, he looks like hes fifty. It was intense and traumatic and I was convinced I had the disease.

Forget that it was rare and that only one in every ten million people are inflicted....hence the reason why it was in the Ripleys Believe It Or Not museum, rationalizing logic doesnt apply when your eight. After all I believed in flying reindeers, being inflicted with an illness that actually exists not that far fetched.

Anyway, knowing that I was sensitive on the subject, my older sister put baby powder in my hair while I slept. Then when I woke up she acted all distraught as she brought me in front of the mirror, and pointed out my head full of gray hairs.

I was horrified! And as I ran my fingers through my powder was coming off my head! I figured it was a sign of aging. Old people have dusty heads, I dont know, I was dying and that sucked!! Anyways after a couple hours of constant crying my sister let me off the hook. Looking back on it couple hours? kinda excessive?

And because of this experience I have a hypochondria of brain cancer, and thats why I wear an earpiece when Im on the cell phone.

Peer Pressure: Winners Treat, Losers Eat

My cousin attended an assembly at his middle school entitled “Peer Pressure: Always Say No!” and I was bothered by that title because if peer pressure is doing something you truly don’t want to do, but you do it anyways so that other people will approve of you, than peer pressure rarely results in negative behavior... Sure it’s sad when kids get sick drinking a bottle of stale whiskey that was dwelling on the bottom shelf of grandpap’s liquor cabinet since 1967, and it’s even more pathetic when a teenage-boy uses the suction of an empty Pepsi bottle on the side of his neck to self-inflict a hickey.

However always saying ‘No!’ would lead to a self-indulging elitist attitude, thus leading to a stubborn ‘against the grain at all costs’ personality, and that would fester into to a life of serial killing or extreme fundamentalism. Either way serial killers and fundamentalists are both lame dates at the Jr/Sr Homecoming Dance.

I’m just saying anyone who spends a semester pledging a fraternity knows how to loosen up and not take themselves too seriously. After spending a couple nights crawling around blind-folded with an olive wedged in your ass cheeks, one becomes very humbled......and it’s even more humbling when your team keeps losing the races. “WINNERS TREAT, LOSERS EAT!!”

Truth is in life peer pressure is the fabric of harmonious society. It’s a dude working two jobs to make a child support payment....It’s shoveling a sidewalk.....It’s a flush and wash... It’s putting medication on a cold sore. So welcome peer pressure, loosen up, and lose the pants, and enjoy the races!! Trust your judgement to know when to draw the line, because in the end, nobody is really expected to eat the olive.

Let the Plants Die

October is here and people often say that this is the most beautiful time of the year because the leaves are changing colors. But leaves change colors because they are dying!

Leaves are the only living organisms that get more and more attractive the closer they get to death. Therefore they are most attractive at the moment of death...that would suck if that applied to us as humans. Well, it would be cool only when a really ‘hot’ chicks blows you off at a Nightclub. You’d just say “Aaaaghh....Who cares? By tomorrow afternoon, that bitch will be dead anyway.”


But I digress, I guess mocking the lives of plants is what you do when you reach the top of the food chain. I guess that’s why when we visit patients in the hospital we hand them flowers. It’s just our way of saying “Hey Buddy, at the very least.....you’ve outlived these plants.”






ps...this is my first journal entry, and for the record my humor is not dark or edgy, in this entry I was just trying to write the world’s “cutest joke about the death of plants”